Have you ever felt like if you put down a book and stop reading for a while, your whole world will come crashing down?!
Do you ever get the feeling that the only thing holding you to your normal state is your books in which you bore yourself day and night just to skip past your reality?!
Or do you ever feel like just sitting in a place and arguing with yourself that you are just going to waste your time sitting idle so it is better to hold a book and read it cover to cover?!
I have felt almost every single one of those emotions.
Ever since this year started I got back to reading books. I don’t remember when was the last time I read a book with passion or such eagerness like I am doing now.
I can recall reading a book previously; more like savoring it’s every single page, word by word. But now all I can see or feel is me in a rush to end the book as quickly as I can and start another one right away. I do not stop for anything. All I want to do is just read, read, and read, no matter what.
Reading has become so important and such an integral part to me that even if I am sitting idle for a second or browsing the internet I feel like I am wasting my precious time which can be well spent on reading a book instead.
I don’t know the reason as to why I feel this way but I do feel like if I ever stop reading my world will collapse the very instant. I believe it is better to lose myself into a world that doesn’t exist but is at least an immense source of comfort.
I think if I don’t, all the lies and make beliefs I tell myself to keep going from one day to another will reveal their selves, and confront me telling how my reality is nothing but a bunch of fake scenarios I keep making in my head to survive these long days and even longer nights. It might disclose to me about how everything I hold dear is just a hoax, and it is time to let go of it, for my own good.
But maybe I am not strong enough to do it, to let go, not right now, and maybe never.
I can’t stop reading because I am not prepared to face my own actualities. I am too afraid to deal with my own lies.